The Deafening Defecator

You know that awkward stage when your kids are potty trained, but don’t exactly have the dexterity needed to…umm…you know…keep everything as tidy as it should be, “down there”?

It was awkward for me anyway.  I changed diapers.  I was really pretty good at it.  But once the kids were old enough to drop their britches and climb up on their little plastic throne, well suddenly helping them “wipe” was just really weird.

It got even weirder for me because ReadsTheBooks was so vocal about his need for assistance. It didn’t matter what else was happening in the house…when he was done, he was done.  And he was ready to get on with his business.  (His other business, not his “business”)

So there we were, Megan and I were in our new-to-us house pretending to be grown ups.  We had kids, we had a house and a job and all of the things that grown ups were supposed to have.   So we did what responsible grown ups are supposed to do and invited the a visiting preacher from our church over for supper.

And that sets the stage….We had fed the kids before the preacher arrived so that we could sit down and have a grown up meal in our grown up house with other grown up people.  And there we sat chatting about grown up things…When all of a sudden, from across the house, just as the preacher is complimenting Megan on her wonderful cooking we all heard ReadsTheBooks shouting.

Remember how I mentioned that ReadsTheBooks had such a sense of urgency to get off the pot?  Couple that with his utter obliviousness and disregard for what was happening around him and what you get is, “Come and wipe my buuuuuuuttttttttt.  Come and wipe my buuuuuuuuutttttttttt.  Come and wipe my buuuuuuuutttttttt.” being shouted from down the hall.

Megan froze.  I stopped breathing.  Everyone stopped talking to listen as ReadsTheBooks continued, “Come and wipe my buuuuuuuutttttttt” over-and over-and over again.

Megan politely excused herself from the table, pushed her chair back in and then ran from the room to shut the deafening defecator up.  I smiled and said, “Sorry, he just needs his butt wiped.  Megan will be right back.”

The preacher mentioned in his sermon that night what a wonderful meal he had with us, then chuckled and stifled what I knew to be a desire to tell the story right then and there.