Crazy Girlfriends (And why Obama should’ve had one)

Crazy girlfriends.  There’s so much to say I’m not even sure where to start, except that the world would be a better place if Obama would’ve had one.

I’m not saying this because I think crazy girlfriends are a bad thing.  I think they’re great.  They serve a wonderful purpose in the scheme of life.  So when I say that I wish Obama would’ve had a crazy girlfriend I’m not wishing him any ill will, I’m saying it for the good of our country.

A crazy girlfriend plays a vital role in the development of every young man.  Crazy girlfriends teach you so much about life and love that without them, boys grow up to be men with a tragically flawed view of life.

And that’s the lens that our president is obviously viewing the world through, the lens of “I’ve never had a crazy girlfriend”.  Take for example the administration’s latest, infinitely laughable, stance on ISIS.  Last month they said that in order to defeat ISIS what we need to do is help their economy grow so that all those terrorists will have better life choices available to them.

Give.  Me.  A.  Break.  So yesterday they were cutting off Christians’ heads and plotting the takeover of the world….but tomorrow they’ll give all that up for the chance to sell slurpees at a 7/11?  Oh my goodness gracious.

And a crazy girlfriend would’ve taught Obama that crazy terrorists don’t suddenly become uncrazy.  They don’t listen to reason or think rationally like the rest of us.

Not all crazy girlfriends are the same.  Some are mean, some are jealous, some have bizarre quirks like a cat or vampire obsession.  But they all have one thing in common….You can’t reason with them.  And it’s not because they’re just not listening to your rational thought, it’s just that the crazy overpowers them.  They can’t help it.

And that’s why Obama should’ve had a crazy girlfriend.  If he’d’ve had one, Obama would realize that some people just can’t be reasoned with.  Ask any guy you know if he’s ever had a crazy girlfriend, most will say that they have.  And then ask that guy why he never just talked the crazy out of the girlfriend and kept her.  That’s when he’ll start laughing at you.

(Which bring us to an interesting side note.  The most important part of having a crazy girlfriend is making sure that they don’t become a crazy wife.  Every guy needs a crazy girlfriend once in their life.  The key is to make sure that at some point they become crazy EX-girlfriends.)

Ask any man who’s ever had a crazy girlfriend if crazy terrorists can be converted into waiters at Applebee’s.  They know the answer is no because crazy can’t be cured, it can only be dealt with.

Now a guy deals with a crazy girlfriend by breaking up with her and then dealing with the inevitable backlash of his truck getting keyed or some light stalker goodness.  Since we can’t break up with ISIS, we need another answer.

And that answer can be found with crazy boyfriends.  You see, crazy girlfriends are seen as amusing and although rather dramatic, generally pretty safe to be around.  But the term “crazy boyfriend” conjures up images of a violent, abusive guy who needs to be dealt with in more severe terms than just a “break-up”.

Ask any father how he’d deal with his daughter’s crazy boyfriend.  The answer is never “work to resolve the socio-economic barriers that led him to this lifestyle”.  The answer is more along the lines of “beat him with a baseball bat” or “cut the brake lines on his car”.

And that’s because the only natural, sane way to deal with a violent crazy person is with violence.  The crazy kind of violence.  That’s what ISIS needs.  Not societal reform, but outrageous, over the top violence doled out over and over and over again, because that’s all that they’ll understand.

And if Obama would’ve ever had a crazy girlfriend he’d already know that.  But since he obviously didn’t, Obama needs to learn what we (those in the I-survived-a-crazy-girlfriend club) already know…..that crazy can’t be reasoned with.  In fact, I’d support the idea that all future presidents be required to show proof of membership in the I-survived-a-crazy-girlfriend club before being allowed to hold office.  The world would be a better place.